ellastasia

How is everybody!

Currently working as the full-time artist for the amazing fantasy horse SIM game Celestial Equine. Come join the fun and create your own beautiful breed today!

Lovely artists, how are you! To all my "new" watchers, it's a pleasure to meet you all, much appreciation for all the support you've given.

It's been ages -- well, years -- since I've been on here last. It took a few days and I still have over 900 deviations to catch up on, but I'm slowly getting reacquainted with all the slight changes that have been going on here.

Creatively, writing and blogging has been my endeavors these past few years. I am still working with an art commissioner for her website art, something I am planning to reveal soon to you guys.

Say hello, I would love to get to know my new watchers, as well as get reacquainted with the wonderful friends I've met on this site. I hope this note finds you well.

I've just sent in a DD suggestion, and that felt good! I can only hope the deviant gets it, because she definitely deserves it ^^

In other news, busy busy busy. I also wanted to get something off my chest, something that's been bothering me for a long time, and (sort of) explains why my work is so sporadic and frankly, pretty blasé. I'm at a stalemate with myself. And it's resulted in not having a drive for either hobby. Because I realize it is a hobby, in that I'm not making money from either of them and that I'm not really excelled in either. In writing and art, that is. Like my father said to me way back when: "Jess, you're a jack of all trades, a master of none."

There is so much I want to do with art. So many places to go with it, so much I still want to learn. Lately, I was thinking that perhaps I could repaint a favorite painting of mine, just to see how they do it/achieve it. For my own practice, of course. I understand I have to work on my own style, but I don't like my style. It needs to change and shift into something better. Artwork that comes from my head, that is. Photorealism is in my blood and it can't be helped, but I need a style, something that makes my own imagined work look acceptable. I want to study perspective and work on architecture. I want to take a photo and transform it into another place and time. I want to make a hooded girl in a sweatshirt into a other-worldly countess. And I don't know why I don't just DO it. Why can't I? I think sometimes it's because I don't have enough time to experiment. I get frustrated too easily. I brain-fart when the canvas is in front of me. Honestly? I think the digital canvas dumbs me. I need to get back to the real tangible sketchbook, and I did bring back one from PA, so I may as well make use of it. I miss making mass sketch studies.

So I'm torn into two places. One side of me wants to write nonstop, and the other side wants to devote all my time and energy into my artwork. Both areas need much improvement. I say I go with the flow, I let whichever muse lead me along for a time, but then I always have a nagging, guilty feeling that I'm neglecting the other and that I could be spending that time improving the other instead of "wasting" my time with the one I'm currently with. And then I always wind up not doing either because I just can't focus on anything at all.

Is this the artist's conundrum? Guilt? Fear of spreading the self too thin? As an artist, I don't think there is truly one field that we are interested in. Many many different mediums, subjects, and projects intrigue us, and we want to try and do them all. Maybe my aspirations are too high? I think I write because I'm incapable of creating a setting. I love writing, I do, but I think I get caught up in the creation of it rather than making it marketable or interesting to others. Like that quote or whatever goes, "I write because I must" or something like that.

Know what I think? I think I know what needs to be done. I won't blame procrastination, I think I'll blame my laziness. I have so many other interests too, which is why I can only call writing and art a hobby. I love reading, learning, and gaming. God knows how much time I've wasted gaming. And I'm ashamed. Everything seems so unattainable, there is so much to do yet even a year completely to myself would not be enough. And sometimes I wonder if I'm being utterly selfish in wanting so much, especially when I have real-life obligations and other matters that need attention. I like to tell myself that this is just a phase, that things will even out and I'll get more personal time, but then that's where I think I'm being selfish in simply wanting that much time for myself. This is not life. I wish it was, but life doesn't cater to interests, and in turn, interests are forced to be compartmentalized and never allowed to come to full bloom. I know I'm better off than many people, but maybe that is why I am so lackadaisical about it. Which leads me to want to just completely cut one hobby off for a specific period of time (like a year). But I'm too big of a wuss to do something that drastic.


Quick, someone get me some fruit juice, I've got the Svedka.